Like Dreamers Do

 I messed up my marriage.  Possibly from the very start.  And without doing so intentionally or knowing I was doing so.  I was emotionally abusing my husband for years and seriously had no idea I was doing so.  I have suffered from sexual, emotional, and mental abuse from family members and my husband was my safe space. That meant that he also became my emotional punching bag unintentionally.  I ended up hurting him in some of the same ways I had been hurt by people in my family who I should have been able to trust.  I repeated the cycle, and I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for that.  He is done. He wants to separate. To divorce me. To be done with me. To only be associated with me by coparenting.  Of course this is never what I wanted. Never what I envisioned for myself. Definitely not something I ever expected when we adopted two of our girls this summer. Why would we do that if we were just going to tear apart our family? I have dealt with so much frustration, sadness, and

 BPD.  I have heard those letters together several times. But not once to describe me.  I have had mental health diagnoses since I was 19 years old when I received my first labels: Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety. I was prescribed medications and counseling. I continued to have issues with my mental health and the medication never seemed to be just right so I was constantly on a journey to find the right "fix". Turns out, there wasn't one. Hindsight is truly 20/20 isn't it? Fast forward to late college and I received a new diagnosis- Bipolar II Disorder. Okay, this makes way more sense! Surely the medications for this are going to make a difference. I was hopeful. I was still going to counseling. This diagnosis came a bit after my partner had the same diagnosis and his medications were working wonders for him almost immediately. I was pretty frustrated that I wasn't having the same success.  I get married and continue to struggle. Mental health i

Trigger warning: Sexual trauma talk, depression, anxiety, general mental illness discussions as well This will likely be a long post once complete. I want this all in one spot so I will be adding to it as more information is uncovered.  I am trying to piece together what happened to me at a young age. I am not even sure when the trauma started, possibly 2-4 years old? I am hoping to uncover some of that as well. A few notes- when I use the term "dad" I am referring to my step-dad. I have always called my bio-dad, "daddy". Hopefully that helps with the confusion of two fathers talked about throughout this.  The first indication to me that I may have been sexually abused as a young child was my response to sexual aggression later in life as late teenager in late high school and early college. Instead of a typical fight or flight response that I have had in other situations I had a freeze/panic response where I was incapable of doing anything at all. It was terrifying.