Too little, too late

 BPD. 

I have heard those letters together several times. But not once to describe me. 

I have had mental health diagnoses since I was 19 years old when I received my first labels: Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety. I was prescribed medications and counseling. I continued to have issues with my mental health and the medication never seemed to be just right so I was constantly on a journey to find the right "fix". Turns out, there wasn't one. Hindsight is truly 20/20 isn't it?

Fast forward to late college and I received a new diagnosis- Bipolar II Disorder. Okay, this makes way more sense! Surely the medications for this are going to make a difference. I was hopeful. I was still going to counseling. This diagnosis came a bit after my partner had the same diagnosis and his medications were working wonders for him almost immediately. I was pretty frustrated that I wasn't having the same success. 

I get married and continue to struggle. Mental health issues were becoming more widely acceptable to talk about so I would talk to friends about it and slowly learned that what I was dealing with wasn't really the norm for most people with my particular diagnosis. Typically, you would find the right medications eventually and they would help. My psychiatrist decided to have me take the GeneSight Psychotropic Test which helps to determine which types of psychiatric medications can help based on your specific genetic makeup. 

She changed up my medications again based on the results and though my anxiety appeared to improve it didn't really make a huge difference in my mood or other stability. Then enter pregnancy. Surprise! Didn't even think it was possible to get pregnant without medical intervention but here we are! And with pregnancy came more medication changes. I had to come off some of those medications much faster than I would have liked to titrate off of them and it was a struggle. And the replacement medications were not even part of the recommended medications based on my genetic results, so I wasn't very hopeful. All of this compounded with pregnancy hormones- it was a bumpy ride mentally and emotionally and at the end of my pregnancy physically as well due to blood pressure issues. My partner even commented that he didn't think he could live through me being pregnant again. Oooof. That was hard to hear. 

After pregnancy she put me on medications safe for breastfeeding and I mostly avoided postpartum depression and just had the typical baby blues. I feel like I did pretty well after adjusting to motherhood. I had to adjust medications again years later after losing so much weight with gastric sleeve surgery. I didn't need such high dosages anymore. 

I received a new diagnosis a few years back when I was going through the discovery phase of my sexual assault from college. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This came up full swing again this year as I worked through memories of my childhood trauma surfacing. 

At the end of this past summer, I had a mental health crisis. Only a handful of people know this. I reached out to Wellstone Emergency Services and went in for a 23-hour evaluation and medication change. While I was there, they basically kept me slightly sedated whenever I told them I had anxiety. I swear the amounts they gave me were enough to knock out a horse. I needed a nap every time they gave me something. But it helped me to sleep on the plastic cover they had on the mattress that crinkled every time you moved. At the end of the evaluation the entire team met to go over things and said they definitely wanted to adjust my medications. They actually wanted me to stay longer but I told them my partner let me know we had a sick kid at home, and he needed to get back to work so I needed to discharge to take care of her. They weren't extremely pleased with this, but the doctor said he trusted I could handle myself. They changed my medications and Dr. D said he would continue to handle my case outpatient. He changed my diagnosis from Bipolar II disorder to Bipolar I disorder. He said essentially, he thinks I have the impulsivity of Bipolar I but I am just too smart to do anything too incredibly detrimental. You know, other than the ridiculous spending sprees I go on. 

Without getting into more personal information that I am ready to share with the entire world just yet, I came home to a huge adjustment ahead that I had never anticipated. And it rocked my world to my core. This resulted in more counseling with a new counselor. On my first visit with her she said, I believe you have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). She said I know this information doesn't do a lot for you now, but if it had been caught when you were younger... Great, another diagnosis. And one I happen to be a near expert on because our adopted daughter Leila also has this diagnosis. And it made so much sense once I sat with it and thought through it. 

On my second visit with her after a pretty big breakdown over some abandonment issues I have, she asked if anyone had ever diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? This was one I actually didn't know much about at all. I had heard of it from friends but didn't know anything about it to know if I met anything for it. She said, I feel like you have been misdiagnosed based on how many medications you have circulated through unsuccessfully and the diagnoses you have had in the past. She said it is common to get a misdiagnosis before getting to BPD. 

After that session I went and dug up information on BPD to see if I did actually meet some of the signs/symptoms. I will highlight things I have dealt with personally. This excerpt comes directly from the National Institute of Mental Health:

People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. 

Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly.

Other signs or symptoms may include:

• Efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment, such as plunging headfirst into relationships—or ending them just as quickly.

• A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.

• A distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self.

• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. Please note: If these behaviors happen mostly during times of elevated mood or energy, they may be symptoms of a mood disorder and not borderline personality disorder.

• Self-harming behavior, such as cutting.

• Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats.

• Intense and highly variable moods, with episodes lasting from a few hours to a few days.

• Chronic feelings of emptiness.

• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger.

• Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality.

Not everyone with borderline personality disorder may experience all of these symptoms. 

Many people with borderline personality disorder report experiencing traumatic life events, such as abuse, abandonment, or hardship during childhood. Others may have been exposed to unstable, invalidating relationships or conflicts.

Borderline personality disorder often occurs with other mental illnesses, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These co-occurring disorders can make it harder to diagnose and treat borderline personality disorder, especially if symptoms of other illnesses overlap with symptoms of the disorder. For example, a person with borderline personality disorder also may be more likely to experience symptoms of major depression, PTSD, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, or eating disorders.

Now that I know I can begin to heal and start counseling that will help me. I have begun Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). This is different from what all I have tried in the past from just talk therapy to CBT to EMDR. I am hopeful. So hopeful. Unfortunately a lot of this discovery is coming too little too late. People with RAD and BPD tend to hurt those around them who they are closest with. And I have hurt some people in ways they find unrepairable. I doubt I will ever forgive myself for that. 

All I can do now is focus on improving myself so I can be someone my daughters are proud to call their "mommy". I need to learn to accept myself at every phase of this journey and continue to grow to be a better person for myself and my circle that surrounds me, even if that circle feels smaller these days.