Pieces of Me

Trigger warning: Sexual trauma talk, depression, anxiety, general mental illness discussions as well

This will likely be a long post once complete. I want this all in one spot so I will be adding to it as more information is uncovered. 

I am trying to piece together what happened to me at a young age. I am not even sure when the trauma started, possibly 2-4 years old? I am hoping to uncover some of that as well. A few notes- when I use the term "dad" I am referring to my step-dad. I have always called my bio-dad, "daddy". Hopefully that helps with the confusion of two fathers talked about throughout this. 

The first indication to me that I may have been sexually abused as a young child was my response to sexual aggression later in life as late teenager in late high school and early college. Instead of a typical fight or flight response that I have had in other situations I had a freeze/panic response where I was incapable of doing anything at all. It was terrifying. It was as if I became absolutely paralyzed and helpless. I have always considered myself to be a strong person, so why would I respond this way? 

As I have learned more about sexual trauma through the foster system (we are foster parents), I learned that the freeze response can be quite common in people who have experienced trauma. This made me occasionally think back to what I was told in late college by my daddy and then step-mom, Cheryl. They mentioned a court case when I was a toddler that concerned someone 'touching' me inappropriately. I only remember bits and pieces of that conversation with them, but the gist was- people thought it was my bio-dad "daddy" and my step-dad "dad" and mom were trying to adopt me and essentially make sure whoever did it never did again. I never spoke to my mom about this and to my knowledge, until yesterday (3/8/2022) she didn't even know I knew about the court case or the situation. 

Recently a friend and I played a game that challenges you to build intimacy with others. It is a card game that asks you very personal questions and challenges both of you to be vulnerable. One of the first questions was something like, "What is your earliest memory of yourself as a sexual being?" He had a pretty normal or typical response about being around the age of puberty. My response triggered me to get lost in my head for the following weeks and has lead to the realizations and investigations I am having this week. 

I told him that it was going to be deep and dark. He said if it was trauma-related I absolutely did not have to share. He had created a safe space for me so I felt comfortable sharing with him so I did. I told him something I had only eluded to one other person, but in telling him I began to piece together more of my childhood than I had previously. I told him that my earliest sexual memory was around 4-5 years old with a friend I had in Tennessee. She was one of my closest and earliest friends as we had known each other since we were toddlers. We would be inappropriate with each other sexually. Often. All the time even. Every time we were together even. It would be one thing if this were a normal sexual exploration of your own body type of thing, but this was borderline obsession. These constant occurrences are really the only clear "memories" I have of my life from around age 5-11. When I say constant or frequent, I mean every single time I went to stay with my grandparents in Tennessee. She lived not far from them and was over pretty much any time I was up there. We also had a TON of alone time in my bedroom/playroom there, or in the pool in the summer, or in the camper they let us play in when we were a little older. We also had sleep overs where we would share a bed, too. Plenty of uninterrupted opportunities for me to do things that I should not have been doing, nor thinking about, at that age. I also remember this happening with some other people around my age throughout my childhood there as well. These events were mainly isolated to my grandparents' property in Tennessee. I have trouble remembering if anything like this ever happened at my mom's house or my daddy's house. 

Something I didn't tell this friend or anyone for that matter is the thoughts I would also have and not act on. I had terrible sexual thoughts from an early age. I was constantly/obsessively curious about the people around me and their "privates" as we called them then. The biggest fear I have is that these thoughts may have caused me to act out to someone else and unintentionally hurt them and I may not remember because clearly I have the ability to block out a tremendous amount of pain. 

Previously I had told another close friend that I found it concerning I have very few childhood memories. My family went to Disney World when I was in elementary school and I was probably around 8 years old. My sister who was a toddler at the time (3-4) remembers SO much of that trip. All I can remember are the stories my family has told and I have put into memory. I also recreate memories based on pictures I see of my childhood. Most of my childhood "memories" are like this. Fragmented pieces of my life that I "remember" based on stories I was told about my life. I think my only true memories that I have on my own accord come around middle school and into high school. My sister and I have talked about this extensively and though she does seem to just have a powerful memory like her dad, we both found it odd that my memories are so fragmented and at times non-existent. 

A lot of this I had discussed with my sister, J that I have been closest with, but none of it I had shared with my mom. The only things she knew of were my sexual traumas as an adult in late high school and early college and really she had limited details of those. So I decided I needed to get as much information as possible to figure out what happened to me. I knew she had to know things or have a different perspective than my daddy, so I wanted to know. On 3/8/2022 I sent her this text and immediately my stomach was in knots. "I know this is random but...can you tell me about the court case between yall and my daddy's side when I was little? Did I tell Granny Ree someone had touched me inappropriately? Did I ever say who or what happened? I am trying to process some things." She responded that she was in some meetings but would call me as soon as they were finished for the day. I felt like a child in trouble waiting to see the Principal which is kind of ironic because my mom is actually a Principal. 😐😬 Logically I knew I was waiting because she was busy, but the anticipation was awful. 

While waiting to talk to her I was texting back and forth with my sister, J. Here are those interactions. 

Me: (included screenshot of text to our mom) Can't unsend. Might throw up tho. 

J: Bahhhhh

Me: She said she will call me after her meetings today. Ooof. 

J: Big oooof. Let me know how that goes...

Me: Yeah. We've never spoke of it. Idk if she even knows I know about it...

J: Doubt that she does. She probably assumed you have no clue and tried to protect you from it. Not saying that's the best way. Just probably what she did. Cause shit you were like what 3?

Me: I mean totally get that. Especially if nothing *actually* happened. No point in damaging relationships but with all the recent shit about my grandfather in years past... I don't even know how old I was. I do know I am really fucked up tho.

J: Yeah, that was always a thought in the back of my mind when all that stuff started popping up. Because I wholeheartedly believe dad would NEVER do some shit like that. And I don't really know your daddy but from what I do know I don't think he would either. And that leaves one person...

Me: Exactly my thoughts too. 

J: Dad loves us in a weird way but not like that 😭 He's more tough love than touchy feely love.

Me: Truth

J: I hope you get some answers. And also why did it take you so long to ask her?

Me: I think part of me didn't want to know. But now that it is becoming something I can't stop thinking about it dawned on me that she might be able to connect some dots. 

J: Yeah she should be. But I think back to the way dad hates Jimmy so much and it makes out even bigger question marks on a lot. 

Me: Right. Exactly.

J: Because dad would never give a reason. I feel like we already know the answer. But maybe it was just speculation. But thats still really upsetting because like fuck- then mom had to let you go there. 😭 (there meaning my paternal grandparents' house) Because it was court ordered. I'm sorry Meg. I love you. 

Me: Thanks. Love you. I guess we will see. 

My mom was able to call me to talk on her way home. At first we were both awkwardly dancing around the purpose of the call and just casually talking and then she said, let me pull up that text. She started by telling me she never meant to keep things from me but she didn't know what I would remember, if anything, and didn't want to unnecessarily hurt me with any information I wouldn't want to know. She said she may still have the court documentation and that she will look for it and I am welcome to all of it. She gave me an overview of what happened and then let me ask questions as well. She filled in some of the blanks I had from what I had previously learned from the conversation I had years ago with my daddy and previous step-mom, Cheryl. She explained that it was not my Granny Ree (my step-dad's mother) who had said that I told her someone had touched me. It was my Granny Graeff (her mother). As soon as my mother got this information she said she sprung into action and they did the necessary interviews and had me in with a child psychologist frequently. She said the child psychologist was even subpoenaed to court and testified as well. I had always thought the court case was initiated by my mom and step-dad to try and adopt me. I think I knew there was something darker but never let myself go there. Essentially I had told the psychologist that a father figure had touched me. My mom doesn't remember the exact language I used to explain or describe this. I am hoping court documents can help me with this. So all of this was coming to fire against my bio-dad "daddy". My paternal grandfather immediately called my daddy and said something to the affect "I am going to help you fight this. This isn't right. You didn't do anything". So he had paper served against my step-dad "dad" accusing him of being the perpetrator who sexually abused me. My mom said during court it was a closed court so only the people being questioned could be inside and only one at a time. She said she remembers that she had to be questioned too. She doesn't remember a ton of details, but she is going to talk to dad and see if he remembers more since he has a pretty powerful memory and since a lot of it was him fighting for his reputation as a good dad I am sure he remembers a lot of it. She also said she would look for the documents to let me review as well. The court decided that my mom would have custody and my paternal grandparents could get me every other weekend and monitor the visits with my daddy. 

Here is where I broke her a bit. I told her what I have been piecing together. A lot of information came out about my paternal grandfather a few years ago. And without getting into a TON of detail of a super long story of domestic violence and crude sexual acts, let's just say he has a track record of sexually abusing and assaulting women. And I mean for years. So many years- going back to when my father was young. 

I asked my mom, "Have you ever considered that it could have been my paternal grandfather who sexually abused me?" She said she never had really given that thought. I told her that I am 99.9% sure that he sexually abused me. She was quiet and then said, and we and the courts put you in the situation where the abuse could continue for years. I also went on to tell her that at a young age I don't think I connected that my daddy was my father. Especially since I was usually with my grandparents and he came around I kind of saw him as an uncle figure at first. My paternal grandfather; however, was always an extreme father figure. This is why I am so curious as to the language I used to describe who abused me. My paternal grandfather is a very charismatic and persuasive man. I was also a very, very passive child, a trait that I think I may get from my daddy. Is it possible that he did things to me and told me to tell people my "dad or daddy" did it? And honestly since he was such a huge part of my life I probably would have done absolutely anything he ever told me to. This realization is what destroys me. I have never, ever thought my daddy would do anything to hurt me. He is not that type of person at all. He doesn't have the personality to do anything to intentionally harm anyone. My grandfather; however, has a proven track record which unfortunately didn't reveal itself until my mid-20s and at that point we still were not putting it all together. 

I also talked to my daddy and my step-mom, Traci, and they were able to go through files and locate the packet of information my daddy still had from court including dispositions and letters and such. He said he would mail it all to me. So he put it in a folder and got tracking on it and it should arrive to me this Saturday. I am conflicted on how soon I want to open it and digest the information. In some ways I think I would analyze it critically for facts like I do things for my foster kiddos, but at the same time this will be so odd because it is about me and I know nothing of the contents. 

I am starting EMDR therapy soon and hopeful that it can help. I am having random flashbacks that I am trying to piece together when helpful, but also I am trying to keep myself distracted. My mood swings from being extremely mad at the universe that this ever happened and that it happens to others to being sad and depressed over it and grieving the picture perfect ideas I had of my childhood. 

UPDATE 3/10/2022:

Yesterday afternoon I had a session with my foster teen's counselor. I had originally asked if she knew any counselors locally who does EMDR as my counselor does not and could not get me in until the following week anyways. She said the is partially trained and would be happy to help me until I could find someone consistent. I have been seeing her for months in caregiver sessions with our foster teen so I already have a tremendous amount of trust and faith in what she does as a counselor. I went in with an open mind. She let me talk about what I felt like sharing and she told me that ever single thing I shared with her was 100% consistent with what a sexual abuse survivor would say. She said there is no doubt in her mind that someone abused me. She had worked in the National Children's Advocacy Center for around 15 years before joining a practice and continuing trauma based therapy. She said in her experience with sexual abuse cases in children, especially young children, they never lie when they say someone touched them inappropriately, but they do sometimes lie about who it was that touched them. So is it truly possible that I did lie over and over about who it was that hurt me? I am 100% certain it was not my daddy though the courts felt otherwise or possibly felt it was inconclusive so erred on the side of caution with not giving him immediate custody rights and only monitored supervision. 

She also had me do an activity at the end where I was to use butterfly tapping while forming a lock box in my mind that I could lock all of the hurtful memories and thoughts away until the next time I could process them in a safe space. She admittedly told me that I critically analyze things so much that it may not help me but we wanted to give it a try. I think it helped a while that afternoon but things came crashing down again on me late at night and then again this morning. 

Steven thinks my frozen moments I have been having which feel like mini-panic attacks in my head and my body feels paralyzed may actually be flashbacks. I am not really registering many memories from those frozen moments, but they are very uncomfortable and disruptive to my day. 

One fuzzy recurring memory I am having is car rides alone with my paternal grandfather. I remember when I would sit in the front seat that he would sometimes have his hand resting on my thigh. I guess I have never registered this as odd, but lately it has really bothered me and made me feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I want to know more but at the same time- I don't. I am terrified of remembering more and those memories destroying me. I already feel like a shell of myself much of the time. I know I am a fairly strong person, but I question how much more I can take. 

I've fallen apart more times than I can keep track of and so many in my village have been here to put me back together. Steven has gone above and beyond helping with kiddos and getting them to school when I swore I was fine and could do it (I wasn't and he could see through that). He also text my sister, J, and had her come over to save me after he got Nora to school. She came in and hugged me and said she was going to help with our house. Spoiler alert- the state of my house is ALWAYS and direct reflection of my mental health and y'all- it has been bad. SO bad. Just having her here for a little over an hour was enough motivation to get me back out of my bed and making some progress. My best friend sent me information on a laundry service that literally does your laundry and will fold or hang it and leave it back on your porch, so I signed up and put 5 bags on my porch for pickup because I am so behind there is no way I can even get caught up on a weekend without help. 

UPDATE 3/11/2022:

I spoke with my childhood best friend from TN who I previously referenced. I started out our conversation by asking her what all she remembered of our childhood and if she remembered anything inappropriate. She remembered a bit more than me and did remember some things that stuck out to me as well as some things that she jogged my memory with. She remembered that when either of us would ride in the front seat with my granddaddy (paternal grandfather), he would usually place his hand on our thigh while driving. She remembered that he would insist on holding our hands while walking places (across the street, parking lots, etc) even when we got old enough that it wasn't necessary- like 10-11 years old. She recalled that we would play "Aladdin and Jasmine" which was essentially our code word for being sexual. As previously stated, we did this from a very young age. She remembered times in my playroom/bedroom at my paternal grandparents' house, in their camper, and in the pool. All of these times were relatively unsupervised. When she finished I told her about the court case and what I was speculating and she said, "it definitely makes sense". We agreed to keep in touch as we had fallen out of touch recently. She had always been such a great friend and close like a sister so I am hopeful we can rekindle our friendship/sisterhood as adults in our 30s now. 

UPDATE 3/12/2022:

I received the packet in the mail from my daddy (bio-dad) of all the court documents. It was quite sobering to read what was in there. Since this is Saturday and we have kiddos home Steven took them to Let's Play to give me uninterrupted time to myself. This was both appreciated and also not. I really wish I could have had him here with me to read through things. I broke down quite a few times. 

Firstly, this was not everything. This packet contained dispositions before court when the DHR investigation was going on. It also contained a few of my daddy's attorney letters. There was one court document that had my mother's testimony, but that was all that was there. I am still on the search for the rest. But, I am including some interesting things I found that I am confused on why it was never dug into more. Maybe this is the critical analytical part of me, but I cannot seem to let this go. 

Below are some excerpts from the disposition that I have typed out to include here. 

Page 7- "He said, however, that mostly Megan calls him "Michael" instead of daddy. He said that Carol has to tell Megan to call him daddy and she will a couple of times but then she goes back to calling him Michael. She also calls her paternal grandfather daddy some, as well as her stepfather and Mr. Scott's brother, Corey Scott. He said that he thinks Megan is confused about who her daddy is because of living with the stepfather and seeing him only occasionally." 

Page 7- "He also mentioned to me that Ms. Thompson (mother) has told Mr. Jimmy Scott (paternal grandfather) that all of this would be dropped if Mr. Michael Scott (bio-dad) would sign Megan over to her. The father's comment to me was that it would be a "cold day in Hell" before he does that."

Page 9- "He (paternal grandfather) mentioned as well that Megan does call Michael (bio-dad), Tommy (stepfather), and him (paternal grandfather) 'daddy'."

Page 9- "Mr. Scott told me also about an incident which occurred six months ago where his wife had touched Megan on her bottom while holding her. He said this was an accident and his wife barely touched her. She said that Megan reacted immediately by saying that Ms. Scott (paternal grandmother) had hurt her and the child got mad about it. Mr. Scott said that it was his understanding that Megan had behaved this way with Ms. Graeff (maternal grandmother) before too. He described that this behavior out of Megan was very consistent for a while and then stopped. He (paternal grandfather) said that when she started calling all of them "daddy", about two or three months ago, this behavior slacked off. Mr. Scott stated that they have consistently gotten Megan for visits every other weekend."

Page 10- "Mr. Scott (paternal grandfather) told me that he's closer to Megan than any other man. He said that Michael will sit in the floor and play with her, but he does not even get to see her as often as the grandfather does. Mr. Scott stated that he sees Megan much more often than her natural father. He stated that he feels that Megan was "Cut out of a father" because of the divorce and he said that he's tried to be that person for her."

I am still processing these statements particularly. But what I don't understand so far is why my grandfather was never brought under fire. I know he is an extremely charismatic man and could basically get away with anything next to murder, so it wouldn't surprise me if he sweet talked his way around things. But he spent much of his disposition trying to throw my stepfather under the bus. I am not including all of those excerpts because honestly they just make me mad.  Obviously I am missing a ton of court documentation so I would like to get my hands on that to see what else happened. 

I am hoping to talk to my mom again soon to see if she remembers if they questioned him, or my uncle, Corey, during the court sessions. 

UPDATE 3/16/2022:

I saw my regular counselor today and it was helpful. She and I were able to talk through things. She has known me for 7+ years as my counselor and can really help to ground me. She knew as soon as I walked in that she was in for a big session with me and knew something was off. I had not really given her a heads up. I explained what had been going on. She listened and offered words here and there. The most impactful thing she said to me is, "we cannot change what happened to you, but we can change the power these memories have over you." She is right. And that is my quest. I do not want these memories or potential memories to have more power over me. Just like when I processed my sexual trauma from early college, I want to come out of this stronger. 

She has a colleague in her practice who does Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) which is similar to EMDR. I will begin that next Tuesday at 11am and should be going weekly to see him. I am so hopeful that this will help me continue to process things. 

I will continue to add to this as I discover more and piece together more of my life. If you read this far, thank you. I am so lucky to have so many people who care about me and are supporting me through this right now. 

UPDATE 3/22/2022:

I went to the counselor who is a colleague in the same practice as my counselor for Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) today. He explained how it worked to me and we basically jumped right in to the session. 

The first few times it was just an effort to relax me to get me into a comfortable state which worked pretty well. Then we began exploring the memories that I have been struggling with the most. I didn't break down but honestly, it was pretty hard. I don't think I am a very visual person and this requires a lot of visualization. Essentially, the counselor waves their hand back and forth in a left to right motion in front of your face while you replay the memory like a movie in your head. I either cannot multitask in this way or again, I am just not visual. I am more of a narrative/audio person. So instead my thoughts took over on their own accord and began storytelling mode. 

I was able to get through the first memory pretty easily. It is from early childhood and not super traumatic. He then had me replay the memory again and this time change the triggering moment to something positive and I was able to do that pretty easily. We replayed it one more time with the new memory in place and that seemed to work fine. I felt at peace with it. 

Then he wanted to do an additional session to cover another memory. He asked if there were others that had been triggering me lately and I told him yes. I had been having pretty frequent flashbacks to what happened to me in college (there are 2 blog posts here just about that). Lately I had been able to piece together more of what actually happened that night. He had me replay the memory as he moved his hands for a while and asked if I got through all of it. I told him I nearly did but my mind tends to linger or stop when things start to get uncomfortable. He challenged me to do it again and try to focus to get further. I didn't think it would be possible but I agreed.

It was possible. I did get further. And wish I hadn't. I remembered more and instantly wish I hadn't. I wish it were still locked away inside of my mind palace, but I unleashed it. He then told me I was safe in this room and that those memories cannot harm me. He challenged me to think of a way to alter the memory. So I thought for a bit and was ready to continue. We then replayed it twice more with the new memory in place. He finished the entire session out with a calming ritual session doing some of the same technique with visualizations. He wanted me to imagine throwing the negative memories off a bridge and crossing the bridge to where I want my life to be. I imagined my favorite bridge- the swinging bridge at Rock City on Lookout Mountain. 

I left the session feeling calm and collected. Somewhat as if I had just had a massage or a great meditation session. I felt the rest of the day just had to go well. 

I was wrong. I got home and it felt like my world was falling apart. I kept having flashbacks to that memory he challenged me to see more of. The date rape memory. It kept replaying over and over in my mind. I even resulted to taking a Xanax to try to calm my mind and it really didn't help. By the time Steven got home from work with the girls I was so anxious to get out of the house and out of my headspace. I had plans with a friend that night and it helped to break up my thoughts a bit. 

UPDATE 3/23/2022:

I was not myself today. Or maybe I was. Maybe this is my new reality. I hope not. I had trouble getting myself out of bed and motivating myself to do anything at all. I took a nap during lunch and found it difficult to accomplish anything at all. Steven had been texting with me off and on all day and was encouraging me to take my foster teen's counselors offer of a session that afternoon, but I told him I wasn't in the right headspace and that was our teen's session. He kept persisting. 

He emailed her and I guess explained things and she was fine with seeing both of us for that afternoon session. He let me know and I was so annoyed he had done this behind my back. I was lashing out at him and telling him it felt like he was controlling me. I didn't feel ready to be vulnerable in front of him with her. He told me that "we" needed this together. I finally relented and told him I would be there. 

We met at her office for the session that afternoon. She let me unload and I told her how the ART session had gone the day before and how I was feeling now and that I felt I must have failed at it or ART won't work for me. She said that I am so analytically minded that it will likely take more sessions for me. She also said that I was triggered during that session and now I am in "active flashback" mode with PTSD. Great. 

She gently probed me about how I am feeling when I replay that memory. She asked for descriptive words. Scared. Frozen. Mad. Disappointed. She asked me why I felt mad and disappointed. I told her I was mad and disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen and doing nothing to stop it. I was in college. I thought I was a strong young woman. How did I let this happen? 

Then she blew my mind. And Steven's a bit too. She said something we both needed to hear and not that he has heard it too he can serve as a constant reminder to me. She started talking about how I have been so supportive of the children in our home who had had trauma. And that I know that trauma was not their fault and beyond their control. I agreed with her. She said I am probably not have terrible flashbacks from my childhood trauma because I do not feel guilt over what happened to me as a child. She said my mind can justify that I was a child and it was not my fault. That there was nothing I could have done differently. She said that the reason my mind is fixating on this date rape trauma from college is because I blame myself. Oof. There it is. Called out. 

She is right. I do blame myself. She said I would never, ever blame another trauma victim the way I blame myself. Again, called out. So why am I so harsh on myself? Why do I feel like I have to be so strong and cannot just be vulnerable with myself. I am clearly a pretty open person because I know sharing with others often can help others heal, too. I am an empath so when I hear others' stories I take it on deeply. But with myself, it has always been different. I have always felt a need to be in control of myself and my emotions. This is still a lot to process but she blew my mind. 100%. I need to give myself grace. I need to find peace with myself and realize that 19 year old Megan was not at fault for what happened. This is something I had thought I had dealt with years ago, but clearly I didn't. Or the new memories are just triggering those feelings of doubting myself to rush back. 

I also want to say I am so thankful for the support system I have in place right now. Between my family and friends, I could not ask for a better support system to help lift me up when I feel so small and broken lately.