Healing Through Writing
This 'conversation' is really a one-way conversation since I have no idea how this person may respond. He could respond in a multitude of ways. And since I do not currently plan to approach him, this is my way of letting it out and trying to deal with the pain. Trigger Warning: This is about sexual assault. I do not go into a TON of details, but I wanted to put a warning here.
Me: I'm not sure if you remember me. My name is Megan Lewallen but my maiden name is Megan Scott. We went to school together at UAH and went out on a date once my freshman year (maybe Fall 2007?). Anyways, I felt I needed to tell you how that date made me feel. I know it has been well over 10 years now, but it still impacts me. I don't remember a ton of specific details from that night. I can't remember what I was wearing, what type of car you were driving, or even where we went. What I do remember is being at one of your friend's houses, alone in a room together, on a bean bag chair of some sort? And you being forceful. You were forcibly kissing me and trying to get me to do things that I wasn't comfortable with. My memory is hazy on what happened beyond that. I've essentially blocked out that the rest of that night. I keep having flashbacks and panic attacks when I hear your name or see you in passing. Now that I am older and wiser, I know that I used to allow myself to be taken advantage of in certain situations. I did agree to go out on a date with you. I did agree to go into that house with you. Should I have done that? Knowing what I know now- Hell, no. But I was naive and liked to assume the best in people. You took advantage of me. You had to know that this quiet, young girl would be like putty in your hands- allowing you to mold me into whatever you wanted in that moment. And I know what you wanted. You never verbalized it but your body language and the way you were touching me spoke volumes. I didn't want the same things. I wanted to end that date and go back to my dorm room alone. But that isn't what happened. I remember enough to know that I did not feel safe with you and I did not want to ever be around you again. I did eventually end up in my dorm room that night, but I don't remember what happened later on to make me block out some of those memories. And I vividly remember that we had not been drinking, so there is no alcohol to blame here.
I don't know how he would respond if I approached him and told him about this. Told him how I am feeling now. Told him how I am trying to deal with these feelings.
For years I had suppressed this. I hadn't told anyone because I was so ashamed that I couldn't just say "no", that I didn't verbalize how I felt. That I couldn't speak in that moment and let him know that I didn't want to be touched. I was so uncomfortable and just froze. I physically could not move or will myself to say anything at all. It was like I was momentarily paralyzed. It felt like an out of body experience. I felt like I was watching this happen to me. And now it plays over and over in my head.
My husband didn't even know that this had happened to me. He knew about another time I had been assaulted with a kiss. Yes, you read that correctly. But he did not know about this. Something that had made me weary of going out on first dates. That made me want to always date in groups because I would feel safer among friends. I kept this locked up. I don't even remember if I told and of my roommates or my best friends. I was so ashamed and felt so alone. I also felt really stupid. I felt like people wouldn't believe me if I did say anything and they would think less of me for not being able to handle myself. It felt like it was all my fault. As if I had asked for this to happen to me.
As time went on, the memories and the pain began to fade. I hadn't thought about this for years, until one day a few weeks ago I heard his name. I listened harder and I heard it again. And sure enough- it was that same guy. The guy who made me feel like I didn't matter. Cue panic attack. And then it got worse...I saw him a week or so later and had a full-on panic attack once again. I decided it was time to do something so I reached out to someone who I knew could help immediately.
She talked me through everything and told me that I was having PTSD from a traumatic experience. She gave me some coping mechanisms to try until I could see my counselor that following week and told me to surround myself with those who make me feel safe. I was going to be around family all weekend so that was already the plan.
The weekend came and went without too much reminder of him. I had some flashbacks late at night as I was trying to fall asleep and dreaded that I would dream about it too. Luckily I didn't.
I went to my counselor and she reminded me of something- I am not that same girl. I am not 18 years old and newly in college. I am not shy and completely reserved. I don't have to be afraid.
She said repeat after me, "I am a badass." She's right. I am a badass. I have an amazing husband who loves me. I have the sweetest toddler I could have ever imagined. I have an awesome career and work in a department of supportive people. I do not have to let this man have control over me. Does this realization mean I am miraculously cured of these feelings? No, but I am dealing with them every day. One day at a time. I am still suffering from flashbacks, occasional panic attacks, bad dreams where he is the star, and flight/fight responses when I see him or hear his name. But each day and each time something happens to bring up those memories, I am reminding myself that I am safe and I am a badass.
I don't know who else needs to hear that today- but you are a badass. You are in control of your life. Don't let anyone else's actions have control over how you feel about yourself.
Me: I'm not sure if you remember me. My name is Megan Lewallen but my maiden name is Megan Scott. We went to school together at UAH and went out on a date once my freshman year (maybe Fall 2007?). Anyways, I felt I needed to tell you how that date made me feel. I know it has been well over 10 years now, but it still impacts me. I don't remember a ton of specific details from that night. I can't remember what I was wearing, what type of car you were driving, or even where we went. What I do remember is being at one of your friend's houses, alone in a room together, on a bean bag chair of some sort? And you being forceful. You were forcibly kissing me and trying to get me to do things that I wasn't comfortable with. My memory is hazy on what happened beyond that. I've essentially blocked out that the rest of that night. I keep having flashbacks and panic attacks when I hear your name or see you in passing. Now that I am older and wiser, I know that I used to allow myself to be taken advantage of in certain situations. I did agree to go out on a date with you. I did agree to go into that house with you. Should I have done that? Knowing what I know now- Hell, no. But I was naive and liked to assume the best in people. You took advantage of me. You had to know that this quiet, young girl would be like putty in your hands- allowing you to mold me into whatever you wanted in that moment. And I know what you wanted. You never verbalized it but your body language and the way you were touching me spoke volumes. I didn't want the same things. I wanted to end that date and go back to my dorm room alone. But that isn't what happened. I remember enough to know that I did not feel safe with you and I did not want to ever be around you again. I did eventually end up in my dorm room that night, but I don't remember what happened later on to make me block out some of those memories. And I vividly remember that we had not been drinking, so there is no alcohol to blame here.
I don't know how he would respond if I approached him and told him about this. Told him how I am feeling now. Told him how I am trying to deal with these feelings.
For years I had suppressed this. I hadn't told anyone because I was so ashamed that I couldn't just say "no", that I didn't verbalize how I felt. That I couldn't speak in that moment and let him know that I didn't want to be touched. I was so uncomfortable and just froze. I physically could not move or will myself to say anything at all. It was like I was momentarily paralyzed. It felt like an out of body experience. I felt like I was watching this happen to me. And now it plays over and over in my head.
My husband didn't even know that this had happened to me. He knew about another time I had been assaulted with a kiss. Yes, you read that correctly. But he did not know about this. Something that had made me weary of going out on first dates. That made me want to always date in groups because I would feel safer among friends. I kept this locked up. I don't even remember if I told and of my roommates or my best friends. I was so ashamed and felt so alone. I also felt really stupid. I felt like people wouldn't believe me if I did say anything and they would think less of me for not being able to handle myself. It felt like it was all my fault. As if I had asked for this to happen to me.
As time went on, the memories and the pain began to fade. I hadn't thought about this for years, until one day a few weeks ago I heard his name. I listened harder and I heard it again. And sure enough- it was that same guy. The guy who made me feel like I didn't matter. Cue panic attack. And then it got worse...I saw him a week or so later and had a full-on panic attack once again. I decided it was time to do something so I reached out to someone who I knew could help immediately.
She talked me through everything and told me that I was having PTSD from a traumatic experience. She gave me some coping mechanisms to try until I could see my counselor that following week and told me to surround myself with those who make me feel safe. I was going to be around family all weekend so that was already the plan.
The weekend came and went without too much reminder of him. I had some flashbacks late at night as I was trying to fall asleep and dreaded that I would dream about it too. Luckily I didn't.
I went to my counselor and she reminded me of something- I am not that same girl. I am not 18 years old and newly in college. I am not shy and completely reserved. I don't have to be afraid.
She said repeat after me, "I am a badass." She's right. I am a badass. I have an amazing husband who loves me. I have the sweetest toddler I could have ever imagined. I have an awesome career and work in a department of supportive people. I do not have to let this man have control over me. Does this realization mean I am miraculously cured of these feelings? No, but I am dealing with them every day. One day at a time. I am still suffering from flashbacks, occasional panic attacks, bad dreams where he is the star, and flight/fight responses when I see him or hear his name. But each day and each time something happens to bring up those memories, I am reminding myself that I am safe and I am a badass.
I don't know who else needs to hear that today- but you are a badass. You are in control of your life. Don't let anyone else's actions have control over how you feel about yourself.
Also, every cell that was in your when he touched you has been replaced at least twice over.
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