Losing Her Again
I'm no stranger to Alzheimers and Dementia. My great-grandmother passed away years ago with Dementia and I remember slowly losing her each time I would visit. It seemed like she would get further and further away as she lost touch with who I was. I loved her dearly and though I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked I felt her love and care towards me and others in the family. Watching her decline was heartbreaking.
Fast forward to a few years ago. Steven and I moved to Athens to help take care of my grandmother- Granny Graeff. She was a stubborn lady and insisted she didn't need us there but ultimately it was the right thing. She needed help with weekly tasks like grocery shopping, going to and from appointments, and general house related things like laundry.
Over time she needed more and more help. We realized she wasn't taking her medications properly when she was loopy all day and had taken the same medication too many times in 24 hours. So we slowly had to take over control of her medications and that was hard. She was an independent woman used to doing things for herself. We even had to hide her medications or she would still try to take them even after we had given them to her. It was a daily struggle for a long while.
This was going on while Steven was going to school and I was working full time for UAH and traveling frequently during the fall and spring. He essentially acted as her main caregiver while I was away on trips and she began declining and he did not have my daily support. It was pretty hard on him going to school and trying to take care of her. I decided it was time for a change so I began working for WGU so that I could be home with her full time while I worked. This seemed like the perfect solution at the time.
It wasn't. As her Alzheimers and Dementia appeared stronger, her touch with reality slowly disappeared at times. I've lost my grandmother so many times thanks to Alzheimers and Dementia. Working in my office became a battle as she felt abandoned if I wasn't sitting next to her all day. But she couldn't sit in my office with me because she didn't understand she needed to be quiet while I was on the phone. Gradually I was worn down. I could not take care of her 24/7 while also working 40 hours a week from a home office. It just wasn't working.
I explored Memory Care options and found Limestone Lodge. It seemed like the perfect solution. She could have companionship daily and she would still be close enough to us that I could visit her often. She was not happy about the initial transition but then she began to love it there. She had friends to talk to all day and that lifted her spirits. I also felt like I had my grandmother back. It is no secret that caregiving often leads to the person cared for lashing out at carers and that was reality for us. She said some pretty hateful and hurtful things to us over the years and I had to keep reminding myself that it was the disease and not my grandmother saying those things.
She has been at Limestone Lodge for a long time now. They told me that she is currently their longest resident in Memory Care. Typically residents stay on average of 18 months. She has been there for well over 2 years.
Up until this year I would take her to doctors appointments and we would still drive her to take her to family events. But it got more difficult each time we took her somewhere. She would forget why she was there and then when we would take her back to Limestone Lodge she would be confused and not recognize it as home. We got used to that confusion as a new normal and still wanted her to experience life with us so we persisted in taking her to major holiday celebrations and birthdays, etc.
This past Thanksgiving (2018) we brought her to my mom's house as usual and this time it took quite a long time to get her from the car to the safety of her chair inside. She didn't seem to enjoy herself as much this time and barely ate a bite. It took my mom and brother quite some time to get her back to Limestone Lodge after lunch. After thinking it over, we decided that would be the last time we got her out. From then on we would go visit with her for celebrations.
Shortly after Thanksgiving she ended up at Decatur West for observational study for a few weeks due to a change in her demeanor. She had been hateful to the nurses that she usually loved and was just acting very out of character. She was released back to Limestone Lodge and didn't really have any more of those episodes so we thought we must be in the clear.
She reached her 92nd birthday on December 31st. She's lived a long life. I could tell she has been tired lately and based on our conversations I feared that she wouldn't live to see another birthday. I remember telling my mom that I think this is our last year with her.
On several different occasions she has talked about dying. I've honestly heard her talk about it for years, but it has been different recently. She has talked about her husband- my grandfather- as if he is still around. As if she has seen him recently. That shook me to my core. He has been gone since I was 11 or 12 years old.
We have had Hospice care for a few weeks now and she has been relatively stable. She's not been getting around as much other than using her wheelchair to get to the lobby and dining room. She's often found napping in her bed more often than not.
This week the nurses noticed a drastic change. My mom got a call on Presidents' Day that granny may have had a mini stroke or a seizure and that her oxygen and heart rate were both low. They got the Hospice nurse to come and check on her and they brought her an oxygen tank to use overnight. The oxygen seemed to help and she was back in her wheelchair the next morning when I went to check on her.
Tuesday my mom, sister, and I took turns checking on her and I got to take Nora up there to see her again too. She of course wanted to hold Nora but she is so weak that it didn't really happen. Mentally, she seemed fairly with it, but physically she is growing weaker.
When I was with her on Tuesday and wheeling her around in her wheelchair she asked me, "Am I going to die today?" I didn't know how to respond to that. I was caught off guard. I told her, "No, don't be silly." But in my gut, I honestly didn't know and I didn't know how to comfort her in that moment. I didn't know if I should be transparent and say I really don't know. What do you say to someone when they ask you that question? I don't think I had a good response, but it flew out of my mouth.
The nurses seem to think she may be transitioning soon. The terminology they use is all new to me so of course I had to have my mom explain what that meant. Basically, we may lose her at any point.
I'm a planner. I like to know what is happening at all times. Not having a timeline really bothers me. But how can you have a timeline for something like this? You can't. You can try to prepare yourself as much as possible, but ultimately you are never fully prepared.
I've felt a whirlwind of emotions over the past few days and I am sure it is just going to continue. Steven has been amazing through all of this. He knows I haven't been getting much rest and offered to take care of Nora this morning to let me sleep a bit longer. Of course I appreciated the offer but I ended up lying there fully awake for 30 more minutes, alone with my racing thoughts.
I don't want to lose her again. I don't want to lose her right now or ever. It's selfish that we cling on to those around us, but we can't really help it. I know she will be at peace soon and I am slightly comforted by that, but it is just overwhelming.
If you are the praying type- please pray for my grandmother and my family. If you are the thoughtful type- please think of us and send us positive light. I'm struggling.
Fast forward to a few years ago. Steven and I moved to Athens to help take care of my grandmother- Granny Graeff. She was a stubborn lady and insisted she didn't need us there but ultimately it was the right thing. She needed help with weekly tasks like grocery shopping, going to and from appointments, and general house related things like laundry.
Over time she needed more and more help. We realized she wasn't taking her medications properly when she was loopy all day and had taken the same medication too many times in 24 hours. So we slowly had to take over control of her medications and that was hard. She was an independent woman used to doing things for herself. We even had to hide her medications or she would still try to take them even after we had given them to her. It was a daily struggle for a long while.
This was going on while Steven was going to school and I was working full time for UAH and traveling frequently during the fall and spring. He essentially acted as her main caregiver while I was away on trips and she began declining and he did not have my daily support. It was pretty hard on him going to school and trying to take care of her. I decided it was time for a change so I began working for WGU so that I could be home with her full time while I worked. This seemed like the perfect solution at the time.
It wasn't. As her Alzheimers and Dementia appeared stronger, her touch with reality slowly disappeared at times. I've lost my grandmother so many times thanks to Alzheimers and Dementia. Working in my office became a battle as she felt abandoned if I wasn't sitting next to her all day. But she couldn't sit in my office with me because she didn't understand she needed to be quiet while I was on the phone. Gradually I was worn down. I could not take care of her 24/7 while also working 40 hours a week from a home office. It just wasn't working.
I explored Memory Care options and found Limestone Lodge. It seemed like the perfect solution. She could have companionship daily and she would still be close enough to us that I could visit her often. She was not happy about the initial transition but then she began to love it there. She had friends to talk to all day and that lifted her spirits. I also felt like I had my grandmother back. It is no secret that caregiving often leads to the person cared for lashing out at carers and that was reality for us. She said some pretty hateful and hurtful things to us over the years and I had to keep reminding myself that it was the disease and not my grandmother saying those things.
She has been at Limestone Lodge for a long time now. They told me that she is currently their longest resident in Memory Care. Typically residents stay on average of 18 months. She has been there for well over 2 years.
Up until this year I would take her to doctors appointments and we would still drive her to take her to family events. But it got more difficult each time we took her somewhere. She would forget why she was there and then when we would take her back to Limestone Lodge she would be confused and not recognize it as home. We got used to that confusion as a new normal and still wanted her to experience life with us so we persisted in taking her to major holiday celebrations and birthdays, etc.
This past Thanksgiving (2018) we brought her to my mom's house as usual and this time it took quite a long time to get her from the car to the safety of her chair inside. She didn't seem to enjoy herself as much this time and barely ate a bite. It took my mom and brother quite some time to get her back to Limestone Lodge after lunch. After thinking it over, we decided that would be the last time we got her out. From then on we would go visit with her for celebrations.
Shortly after Thanksgiving she ended up at Decatur West for observational study for a few weeks due to a change in her demeanor. She had been hateful to the nurses that she usually loved and was just acting very out of character. She was released back to Limestone Lodge and didn't really have any more of those episodes so we thought we must be in the clear.
She reached her 92nd birthday on December 31st. She's lived a long life. I could tell she has been tired lately and based on our conversations I feared that she wouldn't live to see another birthday. I remember telling my mom that I think this is our last year with her.
On several different occasions she has talked about dying. I've honestly heard her talk about it for years, but it has been different recently. She has talked about her husband- my grandfather- as if he is still around. As if she has seen him recently. That shook me to my core. He has been gone since I was 11 or 12 years old.
We have had Hospice care for a few weeks now and she has been relatively stable. She's not been getting around as much other than using her wheelchair to get to the lobby and dining room. She's often found napping in her bed more often than not.
This week the nurses noticed a drastic change. My mom got a call on Presidents' Day that granny may have had a mini stroke or a seizure and that her oxygen and heart rate were both low. They got the Hospice nurse to come and check on her and they brought her an oxygen tank to use overnight. The oxygen seemed to help and she was back in her wheelchair the next morning when I went to check on her.
Tuesday my mom, sister, and I took turns checking on her and I got to take Nora up there to see her again too. She of course wanted to hold Nora but she is so weak that it didn't really happen. Mentally, she seemed fairly with it, but physically she is growing weaker.
When I was with her on Tuesday and wheeling her around in her wheelchair she asked me, "Am I going to die today?" I didn't know how to respond to that. I was caught off guard. I told her, "No, don't be silly." But in my gut, I honestly didn't know and I didn't know how to comfort her in that moment. I didn't know if I should be transparent and say I really don't know. What do you say to someone when they ask you that question? I don't think I had a good response, but it flew out of my mouth.
The nurses seem to think she may be transitioning soon. The terminology they use is all new to me so of course I had to have my mom explain what that meant. Basically, we may lose her at any point.
I'm a planner. I like to know what is happening at all times. Not having a timeline really bothers me. But how can you have a timeline for something like this? You can't. You can try to prepare yourself as much as possible, but ultimately you are never fully prepared.
I've felt a whirlwind of emotions over the past few days and I am sure it is just going to continue. Steven has been amazing through all of this. He knows I haven't been getting much rest and offered to take care of Nora this morning to let me sleep a bit longer. Of course I appreciated the offer but I ended up lying there fully awake for 30 more minutes, alone with my racing thoughts.
I don't want to lose her again. I don't want to lose her right now or ever. It's selfish that we cling on to those around us, but we can't really help it. I know she will be at peace soon and I am slightly comforted by that, but it is just overwhelming.
If you are the praying type- please pray for my grandmother and my family. If you are the thoughtful type- please think of us and send us positive light. I'm struggling.
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